24 Nov WHEN THE C WORD INVADES YOUR CLOSET. PART 2: ANXIETY,ANGER AND ANSWERS
After the news, I told Brian I had to go to the bathroom. I walked out of the door and found myself frozen in the hallway.
The walls started to feel like they were shrinking in on me.
I wanted to run but I felt like Alice, stuck with no where to go.
I kept thinking, “This cannot be real!!!?????”
I tried to recap the morning. At the gastroenterologist I had been blind sided. After, we were rushed so quickly to the CT scan there was no time… no time to research. No time to ask the right questions. And no way to turn back time.
On the way to the scan I had texted my aunt and my best friend because they’re both nurses. I wanted to at least know what questions to ask a scanning technician. They did their best to quickly debrief me but without a diagnosis… there isn’t much to ask.
When I looked down at my Blackberry there was a message from my aunt.
“What did they say? What do they think it is?”
I was shaking as I texted the words, “Please, not my husband.”
A woman walking out of the plastic surgeon’s office next door slammed into me, knocking the phone out of my hand. She was wearing a bright pink pashmina. She did not apologize.
In my head I screamed, “My husband has cancer you BITCH and P.S., it’s too hot for a pashmina!”
Then I thought, “Who are you right now? Stop it! What if your anger makes him sicker? What if God is punishing you for all the things you have ever done wrong?”
I tried to fight it because I don’t consider myself an angry person, but I felt this uncontrollable anger rise inside of me. I was now furious at everyone and everything.
I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the nice dressed doctor who had told us Brian had cancer. He hugged me. Suddenly, I found myself sobbing in the arms of a man I despised just 45 minutes ago.
“I should have made him get tested two weeks ago! It’s my fault. I am a bad wife!”
The doctor raised my head, “Two weeks would not have made a difference. This is a slow moving cancer. You are lucky you made him go at all. Get it out. Get it all out today.”
Snot nosed, I looked into his eyes and said, “I know cancer. I know how this ends and I can’t.”
He replied. “Yes you can. You are strong. I have a really good feeling about your husband. Fight. You can beat this, but you have to fight for him.” Then he walked away.
I raised the hood on my cashmere sweater once again. Brian greeted me in the hallway.
As we exited the building he said, “I think I should drive. You are upset.”
Defeated, I handed him the keys. I felt hollow.
Then he looked at me and grabbed my hand, “I am going to beat this thing…I am not going to leave you. I am going to be OK. Don’t worry my story will end differently.”
Suddenly, something snapped inside of me. “He was consoling me. He was worried about me????”
The same voice that was angry just moments before was now whispering, “This CANNOT HAPPEN. He can not console you.”
And at that moment I knew I was going to fight like I had never fought before.
Tens years of fighting and clawing my way up the ladder in the entertainment industry had nothing to do with job success. God was preparing me for LIFE SUCCESS.
Every moment that had made me stronger was in preparation for November 4th, 2010.
This was about to be Brian’s and I’s biggest production yet and I was going to direct and produce the shit out of it.
And I wasn’t giving up until we took home the title of Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actor! It was time we un-closeted all that good Karma that was waiting to be released.
HERE ARE SOME THINGS BRIAN WOULD LIKE ALL OF OUR READERS TO KNOW THIS WEEK:
1.) Colorectal Cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in the U.S.
2.) Although there has been a significant rise in the number of young people diagnosed with this cancer in the last 5 years, the recommended screening age for colon cancer is 50. Brian is 35.
3.) Colorectal Cancer is a slow moving cancer and if caught very early has a 90% recovery rate.
4.) You can have colon cancer and feel great. Symptoms are non-specific like stomach discomfort, rectal bleeding, or slight blood in and around your stool. Sometimes symptoms can take years to present themselves. When it was diagnosed, Brian’s tumor was the size of an orange!
5.) Over 9% of MEN AND WOMEN will be effected by colorectal cancer. This cancer is an equal opportunity cancer.
Love and Light,
Remember everything is a blessing in disguise this holiday season,
KK and BL
PS: Next week we will share some of the amazing and tasty disease-fighting recipes I learned about in my quest to get Brian (and what turned out to be myself in the long run) healthy. We hope this will bring love and health to your table and your families this holiday seasons 🙂